All Over the Place

Gracie's Grove

2012-02-20T14:01:00.001-05:00

I finished my painting. It's called Gracie's Grove.

The story:
There is this place at my house that my parents names Gracie's Grove. It is dark and full of really tall dark pine trees. I was always afraid of it as a kid. I would run through it [not a short distance] because I was so afraid to be in it alone. But now that I am grow[ing] up I am not afraid of it anymore. I over came my fear because I realized that they were only huge beautiful old trees and they wouldn't hurt me. The painting is of that. Very simple. Very real to who I am.

Things with Tomas:
I keep seeing him everywhere. Is it a sign? I don't know but it is strange. I also wonder if he is thinking about this as much as I am. I am kind of obsessing about it. Not in a weird way, but it is very forefront in my mind lately. I also feel like he is part of home and knows me so well and I know him and we have grown up near each other which gives us some sort of bond that I find laking in my friends I have made in college. This is a big part of his appeal to me right now I believe. I'm curious and nervous.

Other things:
-I am sad still. Don't know how to stop. I'm still lonely.
-Sophie and Rizzo and I are having weird times. We are not getting along as in sync as we were before.
-I am going to San Diego for Spring Break with my parents.
-Midterm week. Blah.

Yesterday

2012-02-16T15:49:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I had my "talk" day with Tomas. He sent me a drunk text a while ago so we decided we needed to talk and get things out there. His drunk text said he missed me [followed by one saying he was drunk and to ignore it]

Well we went to a tea shop and got tea and talked about nothing important for forever. Then we started talking about Valentine's Day and he asked what we did last year while we were dating. Valentine's was an awful day last year. I made him chocolates and he didn't do anything for me and didn't even appreciate my chocolates. Horrible boyfriend. Any way I started getting all emotional because he was horrified at how awful her had been, and I was realizing it and him understanding it and it was all just so much.

We left the tea shop and started walking back to my dorm. And I said to him, "It is so hard because I cared so much, and still do care so much, for you. And you are fun to be with but you were a horrible boyfriend." All of which is true. And then we just hugged in the street while I cried.

Then we talked about trying to get over each other [hooking up with other people i.e. plunger mouth and Lewis, etc. And how he had sex with some other girl [trying not to be jealous but really want to find out who this girl is and facebook stalk her] and hooking up with her for 1.5 months and all this shit.] I think since I am jealous it means something.

Hard night. We aren't talking until after Spring Break [March 5] and then we may or may not go on a date. Just one. Not dating, not exclusive. A date. Just to see.

But that doesn't mean I am no longer interested in Jake. I don't know how I feel. I like Tomas but if I dated him it would be cutting off all these other options [not like my love life has been all that fantastic this year though] and that he is the boy from high school and I don't know if I want that. And then Jake. Ah Jake. I don't know. I am so confused about everything right now. It all just keeps buzzing around in my head and I can't figure most of it out.

Two weeks. A lot can happen in two weeks.

And then shit went down like...

2012-02-14T11:59:00.000-05:00

Happy Valentine's Day, or as one of my friends put it "Singles Awareness Day" or SAD for short.

My day:

Woke up at 6:30 and slid Jake's card under his door. Went back to bed. Woke up again at 9:00 and went to breakfast with Alina. All day went by and nothing from Jake. I gave friends Valentine's Cards and went to dinner with Rizzo, Sophie and Sophie's lovely and adorable girlfriend, Olivia. [I swear they wanted Rizzo and I there. We weren't intruding.]

Rizzo is single too but she seems to be one of the only single people I know who is content with that. She is, unlike me, not afraid she will become an old cat lady who has stacks of things she has hoarded over the years.

So ya, nothing from Jake. Rizzo decided to call her friend Joe [who is the person I met Jake through] and ask him if Jake had said anything. Oh this gets so embarrassing for me. Joe says no Jake hasn't said anything except that he got a bunch of stuff from his mom [cute] and then he also says he thinks Jake might have a thing with this girl they both know. What?! So now I feel silly. But I am glad I tried.

I called my dad and was talking to him about it. He says you never get anywhere by not trying. Also he things Jake must be flattered [I guess I get that. I would be if the it was flipped] and that I should continue to act normal around him. It's not like I declared my love.

The card said:

"Happy Valentine's Day. I think you are nice and cute and I would like to get to know you better."

Simple. So I guess that was my Valentine's Day. Average. At least I didn't spend 6 hours making chocolates for someone who didn't appreciate them [last year for Tomas. Crappy day and I had a boyfriend then]

Oh also, going to talk with Tomas tomorrow. I miss him and he misses me so we just need to get things out there. I do not want to date him though. To be clear.

Master Plan

2012-02-13T22:55:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day.

This means I have to have a master plan. I am going to slide Jake's Valentine's Card under his door and leave the flower outside it, but the tricky part is doing it while he isn't going to open the door. Which includes knowing his schedule. Which I don't, of course, because I am not stalking him [right?]. Right.

I think I will just go early in the morning [and hope he isn't really motivated and goes for a run or something] and slide it under his door. I'm nervous too. I feel weird about it all of a sudden.

Other things:
-I just developed the photos of Sophie I took on Saturday for my film class. They look amazing and real and I am really satisfied with the outcome. I was pretty nervous.
-Saw 9 red heads today. Alina has started me on this trend of counting them. I'm not sure if they count if I know them though.
-I don't care about Witney Houston.
-Some friends and I have started a tumblr about bathrooms. It excites me. Check it out: thepeestooges.tumblr.com
-Annie is making a peanut in Ceramics and it is awesome
-I started dancing again today [choreographing a piece for Annie and I to do together] and now I have blood blisters on the pads of my feet.
-Boys are so confusing. Gah.

John Cucsack

2012-02-12T23:34:00.000-05:00

I think it is time for me to take the trip of my life: watch every John Cusack movie ever made. Too much?

All time favorite movie he is in [and one of my all time favorite movies ever]: Say Anything
If a guy ever held a boom box above his head and stood below my window with "In Your Eyes" playing I would probably...I don't even know.

Also, I love the book High Fidelity, so of course I also like the movie. John Cusack is a good Rob.

When he got old he lost most of his appeal but he still has remnants of what he was when he was young.

Why the fascination, you ask? I HAVE NO IDEA.

Glad That Happened

2012-02-11T11:38:00.001-05:00

So I called this boy and told him I can't go on the date with him [I know calling is not cool. Get over it] and he was really cool about. so understanding and stuff. And he said he could tell I was hesitant. Maybe it was the face I made when he asked me. [It was an ugly "are you kidding me...gah" face].

Anyway. Glad that happened.

So excited for Valentines day. Can't wait to give Jake his Valentine's card.

I walked by his room yesterday on my way to a friends room and there was a major party or something happening in there. I just want to get to know him so bad!

Tuesday shit goes down.

Also I've been having this weird pain in my back. Upper right side. I can't stretch it out and it hurts a lot when I sit up really straight. My body is so confusing. I need one of those "Your body is changing" books they give prepubescent girls.

Dates And Other Things

2012-02-10T01:35:00.001-05:00

Today I got asked out on a date by a boy I don't like. And I said yes. What is wrong with me?

Options:
-Go on date [but I'm not interested at all and we are partners in Practical Botany [not where I know him from] and we live in the same dorm. And just awkwardness will ensue if I go and then say I'm not interested.
-Tell him I don't want to go. [I feel bad and awkward about this option too. But less awkward. More bad.]

Also I just hate dates unless they are fun. And I'm not interested in him so how fun can it be?

I have good reason not to be interested:
-He only talks about himself and doesn't listen [one of my biggest pet pives]
-He doesn't say anything interesting.
-I am not the person I like to be when I am around him.

Other things:
-Have been talking with Tomas lately and we have decided to meet up because we miss each other [although I can't be with him for a number of reasons including: 1) He is selfish 2) He is from Highschool and I want to experience other people 3) He does a lot of drugs and drinks a lot.]
-I have decided that I am giving Jake [mysterious boy who I am incredible intrigued by and who is really outdoorsy and cute and nice and shy and mmmmm] a Valentine card and a flower [that I grew myself] next Tuesday.
-Not a good time to go on a date with a boy I have no interest in. NONE. Not even a little. Not even a tiny intrigue. Just nothing. Blank.

Español Babay

2012-02-09T17:12:00.001-05:00

I DROPPED SPANISH.

I am now free from everything except my own pride and disapproval.

But as Jennifer Myers, my advisor says, "You are not admitting defeat, you are admitting reality. This class is simply not working for you. And if anyone asks that is what you say. You don't have to explain yourself."

Bad Day List

2012-02-06T19:46:00.000-05:00

I am having a really bad day.

1. Spanish sucks. I have no motivation to learn it and it causes me way to much stress. If i drop it I lose 1,464 dollars. SHIT. But life isn't about money. I feel like my happiness is more important than that lot of money.

2. The boy I made a valentine for [and who I have had a crush on lately] is now dating someone. Party.

3. None of the members of my family support or listen to me/my problems. I feel alone.

Spring

2012-02-05T11:17:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I had a horrible hangover, but instead of normal hangover things [yuk] I was burping all day. Quite and experience.

I have turned into a crazy pinterest girl. I'm very addicted. I found this thing on there today. Here's a link: http://earthship.com/

It's a beautiful day here. I even saw some daffodil emergence. My favorite flowers. They mean winter is doen and it is time for Spring [my favorite season]. It used to be my least favorite. Funny how these things change when you grow and change as well.

Crying

2012-02-03T19:40:00.002-05:00

Invasive species make me cry.

So does failing Spanish. I need to get my shit together or drop this 8 credit Spanish class.

Ahh.

Oranges

2012-01-30T16:52:00.000-05:00

I am peeling my fingers like they are oranges. That can't be good.

My mom bought be a hydrator. YES! My dorm room is like a jungle land now. Every time I walk in the door I feel as if I have entered some strange new territory.

I creeped on Tomas from my dorm room window into the courtyard today. And then I was so uncomfortable about seeing him that I texted him and told him I was creeping [accidental creeping though]. Wish stuff was more normal there.

Today:

Cups of tea: 0
Sigs full of water: 2
Homework done: None
Oranges eaten: 3
Visits to Facebook: 3 [ooh that's bad]

I am in the sculpture class room with Sophie. She is working on a wire project. I am "studying spanish" but really I am not.

Gone To a Happier Place i.e. Home

2012-01-28T13:17:00.002-05:00

I came home yesterday. It was my mom's birthday. I am using that as an excuse to escape from University for a while.

It's nice to be here. I got to play with Beans today. She's so damn adorable. I can't get enough of pets when I'm here.

Reasons for leaving:

-Rizzo and Tomas flirting at Obama. Too much for me.
-Petty fights with Rizzo. About nothing. So annoying.
-Missing my mommie.
-Being anti-social.
-Overwhelmed and stressed by everything here.
-Lonely.

OBAMANATION!

2012-01-26T14:58:00.000-05:00

Today I woke up at 6am [early for a college student, normal bed time] and waited in line for six hours to get a ticket to see Obama speak tomorrow. Excited.

My friend Christina [who is also in my spanish class] was freaking out the whole time because we had to skip spanish to wait in line. After I got out of line I was really anxious. I called my dad and he told me to imagine putting layers of duck tape over her mouth whenever she complains like she was. He also suggested duck taping her to the wall. I like that suggestion.

Ok Christina. Complain to me now. Try to make me anxious. JUST TRY!

Trying Trying

2012-01-25T18:45:00.000-05:00

Things are better.

Rizzo is happy again[ish] and working on her problems.

I am working on my problems too and trying to be more motivated.

My friend Sophie [who I have not mentioned yet] is trying to be less fickel and more grounded.

This is good.

Side note: I made wine in my Practical Botany class today.

More more more.

I Am Tired

2012-01-24T12:39:00.000-05:00

There has been a lot of crazy stuff going on in my life lately.

It has been a bit sad and complicated and confusing and stressful.

I am tired.

Names

2012-01-18T23:20:00.003-05:00

I've been contemplating changing the name of this internet journal. I'm just not feeling "Childish Thoughts" like I was when I created this.

I have issues with names though. I feel once they are given they are definitive and it is wrong to change them.

63 Crazy Things

2012-01-17T20:34:00.001-05:00

I've been trying to figure out what I want from life. And gerneally trying to spice thigns up. I get in these slumps.

So...Rizzo and I decided that it would be really fun to do soemthing crazy every week/few weeks. And/or to have a theme for everyday.

I've been working on the list of crazy things today (instead of doing spanish)

Here are my first 63 ideas:

1. Go sledding in the park [During the day and in the middle of the night]
2. Go Bowling
3. Have Photo shoots
4. Volunteer
5. Join a club
6. Start a club
7. Have a formal attire picnic
8. Sunset to sunrise party/activities
9. Have female fight club
10. Sleep under the stars
11. Go camping
12. Snow ball fights
13. Kiss a stranger (sober)
14. Set each other up on blind dates
15. Get your fortune told
16. Splatter paint
17. Go skinny dipping in the park at midnight
18. Go skinny dipping in the park during the day
19. Go to a strip club
20. Sleep with someone 10 years older than you
21. Sleep with someone 10 years younger than you
22. Sleep with someone famous
23. Have a threesome
24. Plant a tree
25. Play practical jokes on people
26. Fall in love with someone
27. Get your heart broken
28. Make your own movie
29. Send a message in a bottle
30. Dance in the pouring rain
31. Kiss in the rain
32. Take a vow of silence for a day
33. Do something stupid
34. Let go of your past
35. Forgive someone (call them or write them a letter and forgive them)
36. Write fan letters
37. Write to politicians
38. Know about politics
39. Ask someone you only just met to go on a date
40. Write your will
41. Create your family tree
42. Learn to bartend/barista
43. Invite someone you want to be friends with to tea
44. Make a fort [Out of blankets or out of trees]
45. Create a giant scavenger hunt
46. Do karaoke
47. Play a game of drunken twister
48. Talk like Borat all day
49. Make up fake identities
50. Throw a murder mystery dinner party
51. Play spin the bottle
52. TP something
53. Rent a party bus
54. Have a hot dog eating contest
55. Go to a roller rink
56. Go to a Jazz club
57. Go Ice Blocking
58. Go on a Pub Crawl
59. Play truth or dare
60. Play a college prank [on your roommate]
61. Play a giant game of hide and seek [killer style in the park]
62. Go streaking
63. Chalk the night away [write inspirational messages, quotes, jokes, etc on sidewalks]

Also, check out this list I found online. Crazy stuff.

http://www.upgradereality.com/100-crazy-things-to-do-before-you-die

Figuring Shit Out

2012-01-16T23:59:00.000-05:00

I just wrote a short essay about my grandma in espanish. My grandma is dead, but I wrote the essay as if she was alive because I don't know how to use past tense yet. Oh boy.

Someone stole my study spot. I am out to get them. It is quite problematic. Rizzo is asleep in her bed and I have a small lamp on trying to study espanish. BAD BAD person. Get ready for revenge.

I don't like college. Thinking about my coffee shop/art studio. Maybe I should drop out [or figure my shit out.]

Options:
-Drop out [which means moving home probably. And working at THEFLAPJACKSHACK]
-Transfer to art school [oooh I like it. But does that close off too many options?]
-Become part time art student, and part time school of ed [is that even possible??]
-Keep on going [so mundane...I am just doing this because I don't like my other options. Kind of...]

Why I write this internet journal

2012-01-15T17:17:00.000-05:00

I write this blog for me. I'm just trying to figure shit out. And a diary that is mysteriously shared with the whole world just seems like a good idea. [really?]

But I also do it because I do weird things and I feel like people should know about them. People should read them and laugh at me. I'm weird and so is my life. This blog [eww gross word] isn't for anyone specific. Also probably no one is reading it. But that's ok. My purpose is to put stuff out there.

That's what it's all about [put your right arm in put your left arm, in do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself about, that's what it's all about]

I'm on the road to contentment. Hop on if you feel the urge.

Sleepovers

2012-01-14T13:42:00.000-05:00

Sleepovers.

If there is any question about the other persons sexual orientation and attraction to you...just don't do it. Weirdest weekend ever.

Twice in three days. I attract the strangest situations. [Only this weekend, that is.]

Today

2012-01-10T12:21:00.001-05:00

Cups of tea: 2
Minutes of Yoga: 0
Outfit changes: 1

I have pneumonia. Blah.

On happier news, there is a really attractive man in my photography class. I think so.

Gap Year

2012-01-09T20:03:00.000-05:00

I have been thinking about this lately. I want to take a gap year. But I have so much obligation. Why am I being so adult lately?

www.good.is/post/the-good-guide-to-hustlin-why-the-gap-year-isn-t-only-for-rich-kids/

Birthday Happiness

2012-01-07T15:11:00.000-05:00

Today is my birthday. It has been a great day.

Will and Annie made me breakfast and homemade bread and got me cheese. Annie knitted me a winter headband so my ears don't get cold while I walk to class. I love them both so much!

Rizzo organized a scavenger hunt around our dorm and campus. So much fun. I kept meeting people along the way and having to figure out clues. We ended up back in our room where I had to sword fight Rizzo and then they gave me presents. Lovely things. A new journal, a hip flask (oh Rizzo), and an illustrated copy of The Wizard of Oz. My friends are amazing wonderful people.

And now we are going to go out for Spanish food tonight (I've just started my Spanish class). And then we are going to go out and have some fun!

It's been an awesome birthday.

Forts

2012-01-01T18:11:00.002-05:00

"I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized this the other day while I was sitting in my fort."

I should go sit in my fort more often.

Past. Present. Future.

2011-12-26T00:51:00.005-05:00

I've decided it is time.

I'm going to start talking about boys.

Past.

Present.

Future.

Right now they are causing me anguish. And so you, dear reader, get to hear of my woes.

The first boy I ever "dated" was named Danny. In sixth grade we went out for 16 hours. But there were always boys. I was always thinking about them. Every year I had one boy. One special boy who made my heart clang. And it changed every year.

Until 8th grade. I had a crush on Bryn in 8th grade. My best guy friend. But Bryn liked my friend Lillian. So, I didn't do anything about Bryn. No notes. No telling people. I just watched them flirt and suffered.

In high school Bryn and I were still friend, only closed now. Now he was one of my best friends. We flirted a lot. I thought he was gay, but I still had a crush on him. A sweet loving, caring crush. The deep kind. Not the lusty kind.

I had the lusty kind for his friend Theo. Theo and I were good friends also, and when he asked my to Homecoming, I said yes. But he was too much for me, and I was too nervous, so nothing developed.

Then I dated Marvin, without knowing it. Marvin and I have danced together since we were seven. He has been that boy in my life that I will always love, but never date. He asked me out and I thought it was a joke. He didn't. I didn't find out until two years later that we had dated for a month.

The next year, I wrote Theo a letter. I couldn't stop thinking about him. This was my solution. He asked me on a date. We went. And then he told the whole world I was his girlfriend. I wasn't so sure about that. It startled me. And no more Theo.

I went my junior year of high-school on foreign exchange to Finland. I lived there a year. So many boys.

First there was Joel. Mysterious. Dark. Musical. Poetic. Everything I could wish for. I liked him from the first day I met him. But his friend Eetu. Well I liked Eetu too. They were complete opposites. While Joel was shy and quiet, Eetu was loud and vigorous. He was dangerous and in your face. Full of life. But underneath his happy and tough exterior he was sad. He was in love with someone who didn't love him.

Together we found solace. And I fell in love with Eetu. The first time I was in love. 16. What an age for love.

I decided the best thing would be to tell Eetu, but he had a girlfriend, so I wasn't expecting anything. He took it well. I was embarrassed but it felt so good to be honest with him. I felt released.

A week later was my birthday. And of course, I went out partying to celebrate. Joel was there and he knew I (use to) liked him. He made a move and I, thinking Eetu was taken and trying to move on, I went with Joel.

I found out the next day that Eetu had broken up with his girlfriend right after I had told him my feelings. But Joel and Eetu were best friends, and once you date one friend, all the rest are off limits. These are the rules in Finland. I let myself laugh at it then. I needed too. Joel and I didn't last. We had a non functioning relationship. It was horrible.

Then I went to Russia. I lost my virginity in Russia. To a beautiful blonde German boy. People say "We'll always have Paris." I say I'll always have Russia. Five wonderful days in a dirty, historic, beautiful city. When I think about those days in Russia it is unreal. Our first kiss was in the rain. Our love was passionate (and slightly awkward) and romantic. And I never saw him again. It was perfect.

When I came back to Finland, I came back to reality. My mistakes. My misunderstanding. My miscommunications. Life is not perfect. Only Russia is perfect.

I went on a three week tour through Europe with other exchange students. Three weeks, three and a half boys. The first week was full of fun and sun and rain and beautiful northern cities. The second week was full of Mexicans.

First Jose Luis. A beautiful boy. Tall and slim. With a hint of smile in his eyes. He had a girlfriend, but would not stop flirting with me. He told me he would not break up with his girlfriend for me. I was not heartbroken. I didn't want to do that. He was beautiful.

Then came Aco. Muscular, big, and in charge. Sleeping with Aco was like sleeping with the hero from a trashy romance novel. I felt small and fragile in his touch. But he was not one to be exclusive, and being the jealous type it was too much for me.

Then came Daniel. Daniel the youthful laughing boy. With shining eyes and laughter always ringing from his mouth. He was joyous but troubled. A good friend, and a honest person (you will question this later). Now comes the most challenging of my boys on Eurotour. I did not pursue Daniel. He came to me. He had a girlfriend. Daniel and I had an affair. I am not proud of it. Neither is he. It is something I rarely tell people. But we stopped, even though we were both sad for it. We knew it was wrong and didn't want to hurt people. And we would have to leave each other soon anyways. Daniel and I are still great friends. I cherish him deeply.

Then there was Alex. The loud Brazilian-American. He told me he loved me. I don't know if I believe(d) him. We had shower sex. It was horrible. I hated every moment. But for some reason, I couldn't stop. It was pathetic. The whole thing. I never saw him again.

When I got back from my trip around Europe. I only had two weeks left in Finland.

My host sister threw me a going away party. We invited all my friends. It was huge and crazy. Three boys proposed to me. Two offered their bodies to me in any way I wanted. I was the ultimate prize. I was leaving in three days. They would never see me again. They could do anything they wanted, without regret. But all I wanted was Eetu.

I got drunk. Really drunk. He had left the party, so I called him. I told him I loved him. I don't remember what he said, but we decided to meet the next day. It was horrible. We were in love, but could do nothing. He was loyal to his friend. It was all my fault. Eetu said to me as we were hugging goodbye "Can you imagine how much harder this would be if we had been dating all this time?" He is right. It would have been horrible. My life would be so much different. All my experiences would be different. Instead of seven boys in Finland there would have been just one. I will never forget Eetu. And I think, maybe, I will love him forever.

When I came back from Finland. I grieved, and then moved on. I seemed to be very good at moving on (until now that is).

There were three boys when I got home from Finland. Theo was expecting me to jump into his waiting arms (and bed). I don't know why. You would think he would understand I wasn't interested. But he had found love in his year away as well. I didn't want that burden.

Bryn was there, but I didn't notice him. Silly me. Stupid me. I just gave him a huge hug and carried on as friends.

Tomas was one of their good friends. I had known him most of my life. It was Tomas that I decided was for me. What a silly notion of deciding these things. But I did. We dated for almost a year. We had good times. Tomas is funny and lovable. He plays music. He wrestles with me. He's lovely. But not so lovely. He made me sad a lot. He was selfish. I broke up with him in August of this year.

At first, I thought I was over Tomas right away. I was sick of how he treated me, and I was ready for someone new. I found new crushes.

First there was Gil. Imagine a athletic, stoner, musical, bro-ish, hipster, Jew. That's Gil. He's a mix. And he's adorable while he's mixing. The one time I rode in his car we listened to Marvin Gaye. He told me he thinks he used to be a giant black man in a previous life. I don't know what to think of Gil. He surprises me. And disappoints me. And then amazes me. I met him in my writing seminar about love. (The one with the rude, narcissistic prof). I'm fascinated by him. But then I got bored.

I started liking this boy in my Astro class. Lewis. He's like Gil, but take out athletic and Jew and put in messy and goofy. I don't know what attracted me to Lewis. I have no idea. I think it may have been out of boredom or loneliness. It was a low point for me. We hooked up once and he got up in the middle of taking my clothes off and left my room. I felt rejected and unloved. It was horrible. And I never want to let myself be treated or feel like that again, but it is only reality that it will happen.

And I got to see Bryn over break. He is bold and amazing. He is in art school. He is braver than me. I feel that with all the boys I have gone through, I always over looked Bryn. I made him insignificant. I am realizing now the fault in that. I still have a crush on him. Only now we live 900 miles away from each other. It has set in how real time is.

Now, stuck at home over break, I am left to ponder all of this. Each and every one of them is ingrained in my mind.

I can't get over Tomas. I am still in love with Eetu. I have a huge and troubling crush on Bryn. Gil is still adorable and unattainable.

And I am beginning to feel like fate needs to take over.

There you have it.

My past, present, and future of boys.

Bangs

2011-12-21T16:10:00.001-05:00

I keep going back and forth with my bangs. Should I or shouldn't I? So I asked some people:

Rizzo: No, dye the tips to look like fire!

Annie (my sister): I don't know. Do what you want.
[Or some other noncommittal response]

Will (Annie's boyfriend): No, bangs aren't attractive.
[I then told him French people have bangs and he said that French people are good looking]

My mom: Get bangs when you are thirty honey. You are beautiful now and it won't matter then.
[She means by this that I won't be at pretty as I am now when I'm thirty.]

I decided not to get bangs, yet here I am with bangs. I got them. And I don't like them. Oh no.

But hair grows out.

Online quizzes

2011-12-20T18:46:00.000-05:00

I am a heart warming dolphin

My hair is meant to be blonde

I'm a bonfire
[Your type of fire is jolly and always ready to have a good time. You feel connected and make other people happy when you are around them.]

I am a "casual diner"

My life represents: A coke commercial

My ideal name is: Allison, I'm "fairly girly, but I have a touch of the adventurous side about me"

I am a normal girl
[Thank you online quiz]

Question: "If a guy tells you he likes you, you say:"
Answer: "Figures, I'm the shit"

Even after that answer, my quiz tells me guys see me as "the cute shy one"

Why am I taking online quizzes meant for middle schoolers?

"Journalese"

2011-12-19T13:22:00.000-05:00

I've decided I'm not a very dedicated blogger. Actually I hate the word "blogger". How about I'll be a not very dedicated internet journaler. I like that better (even though "journaler" isn't a word, my suggestions are: journalizer, journeyer, and journalese.)

I will try harder.

I watched the really old version (in black and white) of Miracle on 34th Street yesterday with my parents. (I will tell you more about them later. Oh boy.) Susan says she is going to try and believe in Santa. I don't need to try. The old fella shows up at my house year after year and brings me crazy gifts that I'm not sure I really wanted. But it's all in good fun.

Being home from school is hard. I miss Rizzo and my other friends. And life here is boring with my crazy parents. And my friends from high school don't do anything. It's not that they are boring, they just are kind of boring. And can't make decisions. Too afraid of everything. I feel so free and open and happy at school and so closed off and depressed at home. I hate feeling this way about home.

Home is supposed to be where your heart is, which maybe means my heart is at school.

Home

2011-12-16T01:40:00.000-05:00

I am home finally. Yesterday I spent five long hours in my creaky old gold mini van. It is a stellar vehicle. And now I am back at home. And I mean I am home NOW because it feels more homey. Yesterday wasn't homey. Oh also, I spent all five long hours of te car ride listening to radio Christmas music. The bad kind. But it's the holiday season (and woopdie doop, a dickery dock. don't forget to hang up your sock. Just exactly at twelve o'clock, he'll be coming down the chimney down...) and I am no Scrooge. In fact, it is currently snowing, which makes me so happy. I hate un-white Christmas'.

No profound thoughts today.

I've been working on my schedule for next semester. Looks like I will be taking:
Intensive Emersion Spanish
Photography
Practical Botany

Pretty excited. It's been stressful. Now I'm done with that I can go on some serious walks and do some crazy thinking.

Late Night Study

2011-12-13T00:45:00.000-05:00

I’m sitting here studying for my energy exam listening to the soundtrack of lord of the rings loudly. Very loudly. Watching the people around me talk. They are epic conversationalists.

Eventually, the sun will age and grow into a red giant. This will cause the greenhouse gases on earth to go into a runaway and make it so hot that all life dies. And then once earth has turned into a hot, dry, inhospitable planet, the sun will eat us as it grows bigger and bigger until it finally dies and turns into a white dwarf. A very cold tiny sun. and this will happen as the universe continues to expand. All the stars will die. And then the universe will die. There will be no coming back. But, once the universe dies, then what is there?

I'm trying to write this final personal essay for my Love Across the Disciplines writing seminar. It's hard because my professor is a rude, narcissistic guy. He told me I think like a child. This is true. But I refuse to have my ideas changed because that is what I am supposed to do. I think honestly and simply. This doesn't mean I have invalid thoughts, or that I don't have deep thoughts. My thoughts are valid. I think they are even more valid because of their honesty. My professor doesn't agree.

Dorm Life

2011-12-12T12:43:00.000-05:00

My roommate just said to me, "Make me never promise anything to anyone!" She's upset. She's complaining. She's not hungry. This is dorm life.

I have had impecable luck with my roommate. Her name is Rizzo. We are both Freshman in college. Life is grand. My name is Gracie. In 30 minutes I have to go and take an astronomy Exam. I am not good at astronomy. This sucks. I spent all weekend at the Hartley Family Christmas (that is my crazy but awesome family). And now it is Monday and I didn't study enough. I am off to conquer the world.
College seems pointless at this moment. I want to be a teacher, but I'm not doing anything right now about that. I want to inherit lots of money and buy a little cottage and paint and sculpt all day. That is not going to happen.

I'm looking at Claude, my fish. He seems happy. He has his bowl and his plant (oh god, just remembered I didn't feed him yet today) and now he has food. He's sitting by my window. How could he not be happy? Maybe he wants to be an astro-physicist. I bet he thinks I am silly for not wanting to be in college.

Crazy Family

2011-12-12T12:42:00.001-05:00

I'm sitting on the couch at my cousin's house. There are people all around me. They are yelling. All yelling. Telling me which present to take. Shoving them in my face. Growling when I look at the presents they want.

They are beasts. They are wild animals, starved, in the desert. I'm sitting there on the couch thinking about these animals of relatives. I'm in a movie. And I suddenly feel like I am 85 years old.

Im in a tunnel of noise, my hearing aid on high. Im sitting there. I don't care which present I get. They are all stupid. They are all amazing. It's a silly competition. It's a momentary bit of happiness in this world that I will soon leave. I'm a Grandpa. And I want to turn my hearing aid off. To make them all shut up. I want to please them but I hate them. There ruckus and their competition.

But I love them. I stop being 85 and I choose a present. I can't please everybody.